The Natural Foods Store

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I went to see my doctor today.  After having that cold a few weeks back, I have not been able to shake this stupidly irritating cough.  Of course, it was a total waste of time.  He thinks I’m a hypochondriac.  When I told him my symptoms, he assured me it is just allergies and gave me some pills (probably placebo).  And then he checked my prostate.  He always does that for some reason.  I used to question it, but now I’m used to it.

Obviously, I had to take matters into my own hands.  A friend at work suggested I try an herbal supplement called Umcka, which sounds to me like something they make at Willy Wonka’s factory.  Supposedly, there are all kinds of European studies showing it is effective in relieving cold symptoms, especially respiratory problems.  I figured it was worth a shot.

I went into the natural foods store down the street from my house.  I love going in there.  It’s like entering a parallel universe and this is the Treehugging Church of Herbal Remedies.  Or the house of a medieval witch.

They have herbs and vitamins for every occasion.  If you take this little green pill, it will make your aching back feel better because your wallet will be $10 lighter.  If you take the blue one, you will lose weight because the $15 you paid for the pills will not be spent on junk food.

As I’m looking around, I see a box of Enzyte.  That’s the pill with the Smiling Bob commercials for “natural male enhancement”.   For a second, I forget what I’m really after and wonder if I should try it just to see what it does.  But at $50 a box, it’s way too expensive.  Besides, do I really need a 4-hour erection?

A little hippie woman sneaks up behind me and booms “Can I help you find something?”  I nearly shit myself in fright.  I tell her I’m looking for Umcka.  She grins and says “Then why are you on the boner pills aisle?”  Turning a nice shade of crimson, I shrug, and she leads me to the next aisle over.  Great, I think.  She probably thinks I can’t get it up.

I see the box of Umcka.  I snatch it up, rush to the register, and get out the hell out of there.  That store really gives me the creeps.

What’s Really Making Oklahomans Obese

Oklahomans are fat, myself included.  I’ve been reading a lot of theories on the internet as to why we are this way.  Some people say it’s because of high fructose corn syrup.  Others say it’s due to french fries.  But they are all wrong, and it’s not due to Global Warming this time.

The reason Oklahomans are fat is because of beer.  We have some of the weakest beer in the country.  While most other states have about 6% alcohol in their beer, ours is mostly 3.2% alcohol.  So you get all of the calories when drinking beer, but only half the buzz.  Therefore, you have to drink twice as much beer to get trashed, which is the only reason to drink in the first place.

Doctors even claim now that two glasses a day provide benefit to the heart.  Amatuers.  If two glasses is good, four is even better.

Old Man Junk

I went to the gym this morning.  That in itself is a major effort on my part.  I thought the gym was supposed to make me more fit, but the more I exercise, the more sore I become.  I actually feel worse.

Also, I hate the locker room.  In the mornings, it’s mostly dominated by older, sagging men.  And they like to talk.  So after you’ve just come out of the shower and you’re standing there completely naked, you sometimes find yourself having a casual conversation with a total stranger about things like the weather and wheat futures.  Old people can’t see.  They probably don’t even realize I don’t have any clothes on.

This morning, I was dressing when this old geezer saunters up to the locker beside mine.  He’s just had a shower and now he intends to dry off right beside me.  Why he can’t do that in the shower, I don’t know.  His back is hairy, I realize.  I sit down on the bench to put my shoes on and casually glance over to see him drying off his old man junk about two feet from my face.  To my horror, one of his feet is up on the bench so I get a good view of it all.  Think:  a tube sock with two hard-boiled eggs down at one end, swaying side to side.

He sees me looking.  “So how about that weather?” I begin.

Exercise

Okay, I know I need to exercise.  Over the years I’ve gained way more weight than I want to admit.  I blame Global Warming, but then I blame everything on that.

This morning I was supposed to go to the gym.  It didn’t happen.  I prefer sleeping to exercise.  Anyway, I tossed and turned all night.  I’m sure I burned a lot of calories doing that.  I think I’ll have a Mountain Dew for breakfast.  With a donut.