Innocence Shattered

My innocence has been shattered. I got a phone call from security today saying my car had been broken into. At first I thought I was being Punk’d, but since I’m not a celebrity that seemed unlikely.

I went outside the building to see how bad the damage was. The driver side window had been broken. Glass was everywhere. My radio was missing. My cedar tree air freshener was gone.

The best part is the burglar left his DNA in the car. Not that kind of DNA, you pervert! It was blood. Now that I think about it, I might should have checked for the other kind of DNA, too.

After waiting for a couple of hours, the police arrived. He took my report, but it’s not really cost-effective to run DNA on every suspect. So about the best I can do is hope the guy’s cut gets infected, and they have to amputate his hands or something.

The Neti Pot

I have had several people tell me how great they feel after using a neti pot. I suffer from allergies on a daily basis, and this thing is supposed to gently wash all the allergens out of my sinuses. I’m interested.

Allow me to describe the experience. The instructions say it is okay to warm the water for 10 seconds in the microwave. I figure if 10 seconds are good, 30 are better. I go to the sink, tilt my head to the side, stick the penis-shaped tip to one nostril, and pour. It was like pouring McDonald’s hot coffee in my nose. It didn’t come out the other nostril, but instead went down my throat. It tasted bloody horrible.

I try the other side. This time, the solution doesn’t go anywhere. It just fills up my sinus. I feel like I’m drowning. The CIA should abandon waterboarding and just use neti pots to coax information out of detainees. When I did get the water to come out, most of it wound up on the floor.

The instructions say to use the thing twice a day for best results. I’m thinking this is a going in a drawer never to be seen again.