I wonder how people ever survived before there was air-conditioning. Yesterday, when I stepped outside to go home, I was instantly sweaty. The walk to the car further exacerbated the problem by causing my underwear to ride up my crack. I should just get a thong. It would really be no different. Along the way, I wonder if I have enough electrolytes left to make it the whole way to my car.
But I press on, vultures circling above me, hungrily. Finally, I open the door and get inside the vehicle. My sweat-drenched legs make a farting sound on the leather seats. Suddenly, I remember it’s at least twice as hot inside the car as it is outside. Dammit.
I start the engine and turn the air conditioner up to high, expecting an arctic blast but getting the equivalent of a hairdryer to the face. I think my eyeballs just dried out and now my eyelids are stuck to them. I can’t blink! About the time I make it home, the cabin returns to a sane temperature. Now I have to get out and run in the house.
I’ve got to find a better way to keep cool. An air-conditioned space suit is probably out of the question–too expensive. Maybe I could just stick a bag of ice down the front of my pants. Whatever I do, I have to figure out something fast: it’s supposed to be even hotter today.
